hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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