You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
