I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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