remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
