I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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