i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Randomize
