I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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