I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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