This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
