It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
