Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Randomize
