My sheets look like a crime scene.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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