please come you make the beer taste better
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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