I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
