Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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