Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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