I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
