Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
