It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
