I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
