you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
