It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
