dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
