So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
