just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Two words: blizzard sex
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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