Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
