somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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