P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
