i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
