he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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