I think my vagina is haunted
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
You're like the curious george of whores
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize
