Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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