I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
