I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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