Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
