life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
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