yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
