Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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