Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
