Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
