everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
