dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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