Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
