I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
