y did u give ur computer a hand job?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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