Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
