U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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