I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
