What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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