Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
