She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Drunk is not a location!
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
