just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
