the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
