He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
