the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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