That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Randomize
