you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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