I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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