we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
