I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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